Huskdom
You are one life older than before, but you can't stop this chill,
Now you're falling in slow motion but the air is still -
If you close your eyes then I will take it (slowly slip away),
Let me close your eyes and I will take it all away ...
Echobelly, 'Dark Therapy'
The last twenty-eight hours or so have been incredibly intense. Nine hours cramming, six hours Tekken, three hours cramming, two hours sleeping, four hours cramming, three hours in my exam, and one hour afterward spiralling around. Truly, I have attained the state of huskdom. The quote is quite apposite, touching as it does on the gulf that exists in my life now that advanced computer architecture has left me. It was a torrid affair, I know I certainly feel at least one lifetime older. At eight o'clock this morning I gave myself no chance. Having left the exam I now think there's a possibility I scraped through by the skin of my gums. I am left hollow, with nothing but conflicting emotions about my present situation. A sense of overwhelming relief that there's even a chance I may have passed, marred by a deep self-interrogative upswell which basically asks 'why do I appear to crave misery?' I could have spent an extra day (out of the six or seven I had available to me) studying and walked out of that exam with no question in my mind that I had passed. I could have actually handed in some of the 30% worth of labs I couldn't be bothered with. I could have used my supposedly functioning brain at any point during this semester, realised I wasn't interested in the subject and withdrawn. Instead I trudged on doggedly through weeks and months of avoidance and procrastination and self-denial, until I reached my current predicament. There is still a very fair chance I will fail. It's enough to make one hate oneself.
As I drove home from university late last night, I was strongly considering driving the car into a tree to see if that would get me a deferred exam. This has certainly been amongst the more tortured braces of days in my life. Now, for better or worse, it's over.
You are one life older than before, but you can't stop this chill,
Now you're falling in slow motion but the air is still -
If you close your eyes then I will take it (slowly slip away),
Let me close your eyes and I will take it all away ...
Echobelly, 'Dark Therapy'
The last twenty-eight hours or so have been incredibly intense. Nine hours cramming, six hours Tekken, three hours cramming, two hours sleeping, four hours cramming, three hours in my exam, and one hour afterward spiralling around. Truly, I have attained the state of huskdom. The quote is quite apposite, touching as it does on the gulf that exists in my life now that advanced computer architecture has left me. It was a torrid affair, I know I certainly feel at least one lifetime older. At eight o'clock this morning I gave myself no chance. Having left the exam I now think there's a possibility I scraped through by the skin of my gums. I am left hollow, with nothing but conflicting emotions about my present situation. A sense of overwhelming relief that there's even a chance I may have passed, marred by a deep self-interrogative upswell which basically asks 'why do I appear to crave misery?' I could have spent an extra day (out of the six or seven I had available to me) studying and walked out of that exam with no question in my mind that I had passed. I could have actually handed in some of the 30% worth of labs I couldn't be bothered with. I could have used my supposedly functioning brain at any point during this semester, realised I wasn't interested in the subject and withdrawn. Instead I trudged on doggedly through weeks and months of avoidance and procrastination and self-denial, until I reached my current predicament. There is still a very fair chance I will fail. It's enough to make one hate oneself.
As I drove home from university late last night, I was strongly considering driving the car into a tree to see if that would get me a deferred exam. This has certainly been amongst the more tortured braces of days in my life. Now, for better or worse, it's over.
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